the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
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