Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
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