Christians are straight up FREAKS
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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