his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Pooping to opera.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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