I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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