Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
