i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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