One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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