I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
