just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I am spending my child support on dildos
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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