1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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