One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
