Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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