ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
