she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
