You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
