see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
