Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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