Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
My life is pants optional.
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