I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
