College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
