I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
