dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
