Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
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