dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
