if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
You dont lie about slip and slides
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
