i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I just want nice things and good sex
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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