I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
