i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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