you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
