Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
