what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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