My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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