im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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