Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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