I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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