I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Randomize
