I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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