Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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