Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
