Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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