you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
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