What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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