I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
