I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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