when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Randomize
