JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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