I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
