Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
