god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
