the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
