Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Sext me about skeletons
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
