I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Randomize
