I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
