2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Randomize
