Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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