she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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