; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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